With this perspective, a man gets his attention off of the problems and onto the solution; he stops trying to fix the disagreements he has with his wife, and instead he focuses on knowing her. He consciously persists, forcing himself to see beyond the surface problems, to listen more and go deeper. He fights against his natural tendencies and lazy desires toward a higher cause, to force himself beyond the rules, beyond the law, beyond the wall that separates, and to see the person on the other side.
The purpose of this process is not to change her but to change him. In this commandment to love a difficult person, God tells the man, this is the love I have for my church, the love that keeps going.
It’s not hard to do, only hard to get himself to do it. It’s the opposite of what comes naturally. He wants to argue, but instead he stops and listens. He wants to yell at her when she says something nasty, but instead he responds calmly and quietly. He wants to point out a glaring fault, but instead he finds something to complement her on. He wants to dwell on something she did against him, but he refuses to think about it. He wants to watch television, but instead he spends time talking to her and listening and understanding. He wants to tell her what a pain she is, but instead he says, “I love you. I care about you.”
Finally, over a period of time, at some point, he connects with her. At the moment that they connect, all the problems between them fall away. After this is accomplished, he will do it again and again for the rest of his life. This way he shows the hope he has in Christ.
He does not do these things to hold his marriage together. He does them out of his love for a person that God gave him.
When you focus on the person, the things are secondary. The practical things simply reflect the relationship; they are the things you do: wash dishes, go to work, buy flowers, etc. They don’t determine the relationship; they simply flow from it.
People who focus primarily on the practical things are living by the law. Listen to how they talk. “That’s not my problem; that’s your problem. I’m doing my part, and you’re not doing yours.” This is the sound of the law and the sound of death.
The choice is yours. You can know a person, or you can have your conditions; you can make one the priority or the other. You can settle for a superficial happiness based on rules and bought with your efforts, or you can reach higher for a happiness that lasts forever. If you put a person ahead of your own happiness, you find a new happiness, deeper than what you had before.
