I realized that William already knew how to talk to his wife and listen to her. He didn’t know everything about it, but he knew enough that he could do it. He proved it that night when he had tea with his wife; he knew what to do. He knew how to talk quietly and listen. He knew how to make her feel accepted.
Why didn’t it work? It did work, and it didn’t. It worked, because it opened up the vital lines of communication, but it didn’t work, because he wasn’t looking for the depth of true love. It did work, because it gave his wife the feeling that she was special, but it didn’t change her into what he wanted.
It was one of the biggest revelations to me. Many people say that they tried reconciliation, but they pursued the wrong thing. They pursued a quick fix. They couldn’t see each other past the drive for results.
This explained the lack of persistence. William saw the time of talking to his wife as something that he had tried. His persistence for things continued, but his persistence for his wife wasn’t there. She was a means to an end, and that end did not require him to love her as Christ loves the church.
Love shows itself through persistence. Persistence is not something that you try out and see if it works. It’s something that builds over time. It is the opposite of a quick fix. It’s a way of showing through many examples that you truly love someone. The results are powerful, but they don’t come quickly. Under the old law, a time of quiet listening is secondary: a way to get results, but under the new law, this time becomes central to the relationship: an opportunity to show love to a person.
At this point I could understand that people could honestly say that they tried the techniques I mentioned but didn’t get the results they wanted. They tried those things with the wrong goal in view. They pursued results but not the person. They tried this and that and gave up after a while, because they never knew the eternal gift. They lacked the depth of true love that requires persistence.
Suppose a man becomes a Christian. Do you think his wife will believe him the first time he tells her? He will have to show over time that it’s real. If a wife becomes a Christian, her husband might suppose that she’s going through a phase or a fad. It takes time to show that it’s real.
William told me that the first time Gina committed adultery, she felt bad and wanted to talk about it, but he was too angry to talk. Later, he was ready to talk, but she had lost interest and continued her destructive course. I also looked at the way he refused reconciliation when she said, “We can work things out.” Later, he called her on the phone and mentioned the marriage conference. She wasn’t interested. Of course not. It made sense to me now. There is no hope in this kind of “try this, try that” relationship. There is no stability, no consistency, no persistence.
