It seemed to me that William was teaching his wife and daughter a love that is earned. I told William how God insists that we obey even though he loves us regardless of our obedience. I also tried again to explain the importance of listening to a woman when she’s angry. He didn’t see how central this was.
The next morning I could see that William was upset. He said, “I found out why Jenny doesn’t want to be with Gina. Gina doesn’t want Jenny to like me, and whenever Jenny says good things about me, Gina hits her. Tell me what I should do.”
I appreciated that he wanted to hear my advice. I explained, “Gina doesn’t want Jenny to be a friend to her worst enemy.” As long as he chose to be her enemy, he gave her a reason to treat him as one. It also did not help that he was acting nice and being good; that only reinforced the idea that he was the good one and she was the bad one.
I showed him three floppy disks, side by side. The one on the left represented William. The one on the right represented Gina. I pointed to the disk in the middle and asked him, “What is this middle floppy disk that separates William and Gina?”
William responded with a list of Gina’s bad deeds. Adultery was only one of the things that he mentioned. That’s what the disk represented to him.
“William, ask Gina what this disk is. Find out what she sees when she looks at this.”
William laughed. “That won’t work,” he said.
No, William, if you don’t do it, it won’t work.
A week later William told me that Gina had been hitting Jenny with a belt and leaving marks on her bottom. He asked Gina why. She said that Jenny doesn’t listen to her or do what she says. Gina knew that Jenny always listened to William and did what he said. William explained to Gina that she needed to be Jenny’s friend; she needed to “spend time with her, to listen to her and understand.”
When William told me this, I pointed out the obvious. I told him to take the advice he gave to Gina and practice it himself. “Spend time with her, listen, understand, ask questions, care.”
William told me and Osmond and the others that he was going to talk to Gina that night. I felt excited. I prayed that the talk would go well.
The next morning we asked him how it went. He told us that he took her to his place, and they had tea, and they talked quietly. I got my hopes up, thinking that this would lead to reconciliation.
The next day, William talked about Jenny. He said, “She is the light of my eyes.” He paused. “Gina is the darkness of my eyes.” He laughed. “That’s not right,
is it?”
“No, that’s not right.”
I’ve seen a lot of this; a man loves his child but hates his wife. Somehow he thinks he can have a good relationship with his child while he despises his wife. I told him that any man who really loves his child will love his child’s mother.
Any alleged abuse that Gina inflicted on her daughter would pale in comparison to the abuse that William brought to this little girl with divorce. A man who chooses divorce brings a deep instability to his child’s life. Even young children know that their parents belong together. They also understand that whatever law their parents measure against each other also hovers over their own heads. They know that if they do something wrong, they too could be disowned. Even as young children they sense the danger of the law. This kind of abuse haunts children for the rest of their lives.
Divorce makes children question their identity. If Jenny’s parents were not meant to be together, that seems to imply that Jenny wasn’t meant to be either.
If it were a mistake for your parents to be together, that would seem to make you a mistake. This further explains why divorce hurts children so deeply. It messes with their identity. Who am I? Who are my parents? I stay with my mother and her boyfriend part of the week, and later I stay with my father who is looking for someone else.
I know a girl who was very young when her parents divorced. Even as a five-year-old child, she knew that something was terribly wrong. She had nightmares that continued for years. She was a teenager when she met Jesus, and that’s when the nightmares finally stopped.
