I didn’t want to admit that he had something right. He had control, and I didn’t. I was suffering.
William told me about Gina’s witchcraft. He said that when he was with her, she put a spell on him, and sometimes she would look him in the eye, and he would have to look away. He actually feared his wife. He said that after he accepted Jesus, she could look at him, and he would look straight back. He was immune to her powers.
I should have listened to him better before. I would have understood the importance to him of stability and control in his life. He said that before he accepted Christ, he had no control. His life was crazy. Now he felt that he had control.
I needed a new strategy. I wanted to focus on what we had in common. I said, “When you accept Christ into your life, his love is unconditional. You have a relationship with God, and you have fellowship with God. When we sin it hurts our fellowship, but it does not end our relationship.”
He agreed. He talked about how God wants us to love our enemies. This time I did not interrupt him; nor did I contradict some of the foolish things that he said, such as, “When Gina committed adultery God gave me a choice to go back or not to go back. God gave me the choice. . .”
I took away my option to debate. We had a quiet conversation. It was tough for me to just listen like that.
I listened and affirmed the things he said that were true.
“I haven’t found the person that I want to marry,” he said, “but this time I will find the right one.” Next he surprised me by saying that if God gave him the feelings for Gina and wanted him to go back, he would.
It was hard not to debate, but I saw that our friendship was too important. Establishing that relationship enabled us to talk and understand each other. I had a different influence on William when I acted as a friend than I did as an opponent. I was finally learning.
It was a slow and difficult process for me, covering several months. I’m writing this down so that I can equip others to go through similar experiences.
My advice is to not try so hard. People are more likely to listen when you remain calm and relaxed. Do a lot of listening, and if you’re angry, focus on explaining why you feel angry rather than expressing your anger. Speak from your own perspective.
Secondly, learn the proper boundaries. The point at which your friend no longer wants to hear is usually the time to stop talking. Consider how you would feel in a similar situation.
Finally, don’t make your happiness dependent on another person’s behavior. Find your security in God. You will be more helpful to your friends when you don’t make your happiness dependent on them.
